January 17th, 2011
On the one hand, it sometimes feels like she's participating in something she doesn't necessarily approve of, or at least something she shouldn't approve of, in Slughorn's blatant favoritism.
On the other hand, at she got in on her own merits, not because her father is a highly placed Ministry official or her aunt hosts her own show on the WWN. (Or even like Cliona, where it's hard to tell how much is Cliona's own talent on the Quidditch pitch and how much of it is that her oldest brother Niall is one of the Beaters for the Ballycastle Bats.)
And Lily finds that she takes a certain pleasure in watching the Slytherins' faces fall when Slughorn breaks off from talking to one of them to greet her, because Slughorn has favorites and then he has favorites, and she's one of the latter.
Besides, she genuinely likes Professor Slughorn, for all she can see his faults, and it would feel mean to decline his invitations.
At least until last night, when he announced over pudding at one of his little suppers that he had decided to throw "a bit of a party" the Friday before break, to celebrate Easter and the end of the term.
The party isn't exactly the problem.
It's the fact that you're encouraged -- and, really, expected -- to bring a date when Slughorn has "a bit of a party."
Lily's never really had to worry about that before. In fourth year, she'd had a boyfriend, and at Christmas this year, she'd just gone with Cliona's brother, Liam. Liam has never seen her as anything but his little sister's friend, just as Lily has never seen him as anything but Cliona's brother. But he'd been conveniently between girlfriends at Christmas, and that is no longer the case.
She finds herself thinking that she broke up with Jeremy three days too soon, and is instantly ashamed of herself, because that's a horrid, selfish reason to keep going out with someone when you know you need to end things.
Anyway, she had broken up with him, so it's a moot point.
She supposes she could just ask someone else, but that could wind up creating Expectations, and she really doesn't think she can handle trying to date someone right now.
Maybe she can just come down with a twenty-four hour case of dragon pox that afternoon. Or see if she can talk someone into giving her a detention to serve. Flitwick might, if she asked nicely.
"Lily?"
She blinks at the sound of her name, and looks up to see Sev.
He sits down next to her on her bench in the courtyard. "You looked a million miles away, just now."
"Don't be silly," she says. "A few hundred thousand at most."
"Anything I can help with?"
Lily shakes her head. "I don't think so. It's nothing really all that important, anyway. Just Slughorn's party."
"And who you'll go with?"
Lily laughs. "You know, sometimes I think you can read my mind, Sev."
"After seven years I hardly need to," he says.
"No, I guess you don't. Anyway, there's nothing to worry about. I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll be daring and go by myself."
"Do you want to go with me?" Sev asks.
Oh, God.
No. No, she really doesn't.
"Um, thank you for asking, but I don't think that's -- "
"Not like a date," he says, quickly. "Just as friends. So you don't have to go alone."
"I don't know -- "
"Come on, Lily. We are friends, right? This is what friends do, isn't it?"
This is a terrible idea. This is a terrible, terrible idea, and Lily knows it, and for a moment, she can't quite draw enough breath to say anything at all.
"Lily?"
This is a terrible idea, but ... but what the hell does she say? That they're not friends? That they're friends but she doesn't trust him with something like this?
That she's a Gryffindor and he's a Slytherin and that it's one thing for them to work together on Potions and something else entirely if they turn up at a party together?
That she's starting to suspect that he's got something of a crush on her, and she doesn't feel that way about him, and this is inviting some kind of disaster on that front?
"I couldn't possibly ask you to do that," she says, hoping she doesn't sound as panicked as she feels.
"You didn't ask, Lily. I offered."
"Right," she says. "I, um ... "
Tell him no, tell him you can't, make up a reason, tell him anything but --
"Yeah, all right," she says. "I'll go with you."
Sev smiles. He smiles a smile that transforms his whole face, and she has never, not in the seven years she's known him, seen anything quite like it, and oh, this is a terrible idea.
Lily's stomach seems to tie itself into some kind of twisting knot, and she thinks she might be sick.
Sick.
She has a week to figure out how to contract dragon pox.
All four of her roommates look up, then look at each other.
It's Cliona who asks, "And just which of us are you questioning the sanity of?"
"Lily, of course," Perdita says. "D'you know what they're saying downstairs?"
Mary, Cliona, and Glynis look from Perdita to Lily.
Lily takes a second to wish the floor would open up and swallow her. And then she marks her place in her Transfiguration book, closes it, and says, very calmly, "Given your reaction, I suspect they're saying I'm going to Professor Slughorn's party with Severus."
"What?"
"Lily!"
"Snape?"
"I told you," Perdita says. "Completely mad."
"Perdita, shut up," Cliona says. And then turns to Lily. "Seriously, though, have you gone mad?"
"Yes, the fact that I'm going to a party with a friend makes me a raving lunatic."
"You're going on a date with Severus Snape?" Glynis asks. "Why?"
"No, it's not a date."
"It sounds like a date," Glynis says.
"Well, it's not. We're just going as friends. It's no different than when I went with Cliona's brother at Christmas. You didn't all jump down my throat then."
"That's because it is different," Mary says. "Liam's not -- "
"What? A Slytherin?"
"Yeah, a Slytherin," Mary says. "I know you don't like it, Lily, but that doesn't mean it's not true. It is different, and you know it."
"Have you forgotten what they did to Mary last term?" Perdita asks.
"No, of course not," Lily says. Mary has dropped her eyes to the floor, arms crossed tight across her chest. "You know I haven't, Mary, and I won't, but ... but that wasn't Sev!"
"No, it was just his friends," Cliona says.
"He has terrible friends, Lily," Glynis says. "They're all really creepy. Except for you, of course."
"Well, thank you, Glynis," Lily says, a little tartly.
"Don't take this out on Glynis," Perdita says.
"I'm not taking anything out on Glynis!" Lily snaps.
The room is silent for a moment, and all four of Lily's roommate stare at her.
Lily takes a breath.
"I'm sorry, Glynis," Lily says.
"It's all right," she says.
"Look," Lily says, more calmly. "I know none of you like him. You've all made that very clear for years now."
"Lily, it's not that we don't like him," Mary says.
"Speak for yourself," Perdita cuts in. "I can't stand him."
"It's just that there are things about him that worry us," Mary says, ignoring Perdita's interruption.
"Like who he chooses to spend his time with," Cliona says.
"Other than you," Glynis adds.
"And the sorts of things they do," Mary says.
"And the fact that they're slimy," Perdita says.
"Creepy," Glynis says.
"Mean-spirited," Mary adds.
"And using Dark Magic. And you know it," Cliona finishes.
"I ... Severus has been one of my best friends since I was nine," Lily says.
"And maybe he was, when you were nine," Cliona says.
"But are you sure he still is?" Glynis says.
"Yes, of course I am," Lily says, even though she realizes that if she were, that answer would have been four words shorter than it was.
"Lily -- " says Cliona.
"Would you all please just stop?" Lily asks.
She hates this, hates feeling like this, hates having to defend one friend to all the others, over and over and over again.
Hates that she's starting to wonder if they might not be right. Hates that she's even entertaining that notion.
Hates that she's ignoring it, too.
Mary comes over, sits down next to Lily, and puts her arm around Lily's shoulders. "Lily, we're not trying to upset you. We're just afraid you're going to get really hurt."
"I'll be fine. I'm just going to a party with a friend. That's all. It's not a big deal."
Cliona sighs. "I really hope you're right about that."
"Me, too," Glynis adds.
"For the record, I'm fairly certain you're wrong," Perdita says.
"Perdita!" Mary says.
"Well, I am. I'm sorry, but I think the sooner you see him for what he is, what he really is, the better it's going to be for all of us, and especially you."
"Perdita, that's enough," Cliona says.
"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you."
Which is probably just as well, under ordinary circumstances, but it does mean that at 8:00 on 9 April, Lily has absolutely no viable excuse for skipping Slughorn's Easter party.
(And she can't just pretend to be sick, because Perdita would never let her hear the end of it.)
She meets Severus in the hallway outside Slughorn's office.
"You look very nice," he tells her.
"Thank you," she says. "So do you."
"Shall we, then?"
"Yes, let's," she says, going through the door before he can do something like offer her his arm.
The party is a bit of a disaster from the start. Lily gets the feeling that Professor Slughorn tried to throw it together a little too quickly. The food, of course, is excellent, but there don't seem to be nearly as many dazzling former members of the Slug Club as there had been at Christmas. The band he hired is late, though on the plus side, that means Lily doesn't have to think of a reason not to dance.
She and Severus spend twenty minutes talking to Professor Slughorn about the upcoming Potions OWL, which hardly feels like party talk, but at least it's something easy to talk about. And someone they can both talk to, and there aren't many of those. He doesn't seem anxious to spend time with Cliona and Fenton, and she certainly doesn't want to join the knot of Slytherins in the corner.
Mostly, they just stand around, waiting for something to happen. And while there have been any number of times Lily has talked to Sev for hours and not run out of things to say, tonight no topic quite takes hold, fizzling away to awkward silence after a moment or two.
Twice, she sees his eyes dart away from her to his Housemates and their closed conference in the corner.
After about an hour, Lily is ready for a break.
"Would you excuse me for just a moment, Sev?" she asks.
"Of course," he says.
She tells herself that she does not hear relief in his voice.
Tells herself that she doesn't hear it in hers, either, when she says, "Thanks. I'll be right back."
She lingers longer in the ladies than she planned to, because she can. Because it's easier than going back to the party, which doesn't really deserve the name. 'Gathering,' maybe. Or 'event.' 'Function.'
But not 'party.'
Finally she looks at herself in the mirror. "Hardly acting like a Gryffindor, here, Evans," she tells her reflection, sternly, and then heads back to find Severus.
He's drifted away from where she last saw him, towards the knot of his Housemates in the corner. She isn't really surprised, but she's also not about to go join them. She doesn't want to any more than they want her to. Perhaps, though, if she goes to stand near enough for him to see her, he can excuse himself and come join her. She'll give it a minute, she decides, and then go talk to Cliona.
She's almost reached the spot she picked out when a voice cuts clear across the surrounding murmur.
"Really, Severus, what were you thinking, bringing a Mudblood to our Head of House's party? It's an insult."
Lily, still half-hidden from the group by a palm tree in a gaudy pot, freezes.
She doesn't have to see his face to know the speaker is Rafferty Gibbon, a seventh year Slytherin, whose father is well-enough placed at the Ministry to garner his son an invitation to these events.
She can't make out Sev's mumbled reply, but there's no way to miss Gibbon's laughter in response.
"Come on, Severus. Don't kid yourself. The bitch is never going to spread her legs for you." Gibbon turns and looks directly at Lily. "Isn't that right, gorgeous?"
For one moment, Lily feels like she's going to throw up.
The smart move here, she suspects, is just to walk away. Not to dignify that with a response, just to leave.
But then, she's in Gryffindor, not Ravenclaw.
So instead she steps out from behind the palm tree, into full view of Severus and Gibbon and the other half-dozen Slytherins.
She's not sure how she manages to keep her voice completely steady, but she does. "That'll be fifteen points from Slytherin, Gibbon. For language."
"Language?" he drawls, tone amused, falsely inquisitive. "Do you mean 'Mudblood' or 'bitch'?"
"Thirty, then. Do you want to go for forty-five?"
"You filthy little ... "
"Forty-five," she says. "Sixty?"
She's expecting it, when his wand comes up. But Lily learned in second year that being left-handed has certain advantages. And one of them is that if your opponent doesn't know you're left-handed, chances are, he's watching the wrong hand.
"Expelliarmus!"
Gibbon's wand arcs through the air, hits the wall behind Lily, clatters to the floor and rolls until it hits the shoe of Crispin Rivers, Head Boy.
He does not look amused. "What the hell is going on here?"
"Nothing," Gibbon says, smoothly. "Bit of harmless fun."
"Funny, because from where I'm standing, it looks like you just insulted and then tried to curse a prefect." Rivers looks quickly from Gibbon and the other Slytherins over to Lily. "Are you all right, Evans?"
She nods. "I'm fine."
But she's not. She can feel her hands starting to shake.
River picks Gibbon's wand up out of the floor, but does not offer it back to him. "Gibbon, you and I are going to go have a little talk with Professor Slughorn. Blane," he calls.
Fenton Blane comes over to join them, Cliona a few steps behind him. "Yes, Rivers?"
"Would you please see that Evans gets back to Gryffindor Tower without incident?"
Fenton nods. "Of course."
"I can do that," Severus says, quickly. It's the first thing he's said since Lily stepped out from the behind the tree.
"Thank you, Snape," Rivers says, "but I think Blane has this in hand. Gibbon, let's go."
"Lily, please, I -- " Severus says stepping away from his Housemates and toward her.
"Not now," Lily says. "I can't."
She can't even quite bring herself to look at him.
"Come on, Lily," Cliona says, putting her arm across Lily's shoulders. "Let's get out of here, okay?"
Lily nods.
They don't talk on the way back to the dormitory.
What is there to say?